the different faces of anger

the explosion

When James Watt, who invented the first practical steam engine, was a

young boy, he took a tea-kettle, filled it with water, plugged all the open-

ings, and tied on the lid. Then he put it on the fire. Of course as it got hot-

ter and hotter the steam pressure rose and the tea-kettle finally

exploded. This is exactly what happened to me. I was the tea-kettle, medi-

tating on my cushions with all my feelings stuffed down and corked up,

and after a few months of bubbling away in blissful heightened states, my

anger, hatred, and fear came to the surface and I finally exploded. I

couldn’t keep down my toxins any longer.

In the field of anger management there are traditionally two models of

how we as human beings contain anger. There are the bottlers, who do

‘in’ anger, and the volcanoes, who do ‘out’ anger. I was a bottler, pushing

everything down and screwing the lid on tight, in the hope that even the

strength of twenty elephants wouldn’t be able to unscrew it. I didn’t dis-

close my past to anybody until I was in my late twenties; in fact, people

assumed I came from a privileged background. I was successful at pre-

senting a front that I had nothing at all to be angry about.

the bottler

Are you a bottler? You might be a bottler if you act out one or more of the

following.

avoid anger

be polite

withdraw

walk away

stay inside

seek revenge

ignore people

drink, smoke, use recreational drugs

not eat, overeat, eat compulsively, binge, or purge

often use antidepressants, sleeping pills, painkillers

fall asleep, get headaches or migraines

take it out on the wrong person

scratch, cut, or burn yourself

take it out on yourself

sulk

Bottlers are people who hold their anger in, travel with it, go to bed and

wake up with it. Their anger has become a piece of rotten luggage in their

hearts, weighing down on them, causing their shoulders to sag.

Many people who bottle their anger will say, ‘I’m not angry. What are you

talking about? I never get angry.’ Some of these people never actually

pop the cork of their bottle; instead they become depressed, perhaps

using food, alcohol, or work to help stuff back down the discomfort in

their hearts. Eventually, some of these people become like the tea-kettle,

exploding when the pressure finally becomes too much.

Bottlers often see anger, when it finally pops out, as something separate

from them. It is as if some living being has jumped inside them and made

them angry.

‘I don’t know what came over me,’ ‘I can’t believe I got so angry. It’s just

not like me,’ ‘I only get angry when I’ve been drinking,’ ‘I’m not angry,

you’re the one with all the anger, it’s your issue, not mine.’ These are

some of the statements bottlers will come out with.

Some bottlers are so expert at swallowing, repressing, and suppressing

their feelings that they believe they never get angry. But they are always

at risk of erupting into a fit of rage. Some bottlers put their anger on ice,

and become completely detached from their feelings. They have con-

vinced themselves that anger is something that is not part of their lives.

Bottled-up anger is highly toxic and can become depressive, as well as

explosive, and eventually cause ill health. Ailments like boils, constipa-

tion, migraines, and tension that causes backache or slipped discs, can

all be associated with the bottler.

the volcano

Are you a walking volcano? You may be a volcano if you act out one or

more of the following.

channel anger outside yourself

criticize, or put people down

deliberately wind others up

be sarcastic

interrupt

be aggressive, threaten, argue, shout

break things

stamp your feet

pull your hair out

push and shove

throw things

get into fights

Volcanoes walk around with anger bubbling away in their stomachs. Their

responses are like reflex emotions. Do you remember when we were

children and the doctor tested our reflexes by tapping a hammer on our

knees, and our legs would automatically fly up? This is what often

happens to those of us who walk around like murmuring volcanoes:

somebody says the wrong thing, and we fly off the handle.

These are the people we feel we have to tiptoe around, through fear we

will provoke their anger. They always want their own way, but they don’t

own their anger and, like the bottler, they claim they don’t have a prob-

lem; it’s everyone else who has a problem. Volcanoes walk out of meet-

ings, slam doors, lash out, bang things about, smash things, use harsh

language, and are often unable to listen to anyone else’s point of view.

Alternatively, these people can be extremely cold in their communication

whilst seething deep down inside.

These people are sometimes called exploders, because their angry

responses to situations are immediate, as if they are vomiting all their

anger out of their hearts. But the toxic residue of anger still swirls around

inside them, lying dormant until the next thing comes along to trigger an

explosion.

Ailments associated with this type of anger include insomnia, addiction,

back ache, ulcers, and irritable bowel syndrome.

Of course, we can oscillate between the two types of anger and have all

the ailments too. What didn’t upset us yesterday upsets us today.

Conventionally, women tend to be bottlers, and men volcanoes. Women

are perceived to do ‘in’ anger, holding on to it, taking antidepressants,

and becoming more depressed. Men are perceived to do ‘out’ anger,

going down the pub, getting drunk, and causing criminal or physical

damage. As children, young girls are often told not be angry, and boys are

encouraged not to cry. But between both sexes you will find those who

bottle their anger and those who erupt like a volcano.